Guests chant: USA! USA! MILO! MILO!
He appears, draped in a yellow boa constrictor.
MILO: This is Jared. A good name for a snake, right? Jared’s here with…his owner, where is he?
Guest: I’ll take him.
MILO: No, you can’t have him.
MILO: He’s very… [man arrives to install microphone]…Thank you, darling. This is Jared, my new friend. Welcome to Cinco De Milo!
Now, there are other important days of the year. Only one more important than this, that is the 18th of October. Which some people, which some people know as my birthday, but of course I have given it to the world, as one of life’s givers, and made it World Patriarchy Day.
But it has been superseded, I’m glad to say, by Cinco De Milo. Tonight we are here to celebrate the reinstallation of the undisputed queen of I Don’t Give A F***. Now, it’s true, as you may have heard in the unfortunate organs that inform this country, of a few remarks I may or may not have made.
Guests boo, chant: fake news! Fake news!
MILO: [referring to Jared]: He’s really on me! Clinging to me like my ex-boyfriend. You may have heard a few remarks that I made. Now, it’s the only apology I’ve ever given in my whole life, because it’s the only time I’ve ever made a mistake.
But you guys, and the American people, have stood by me and, for that, thank you. Now, you may have heard that I made a couple of phone calls after all that happened, after I’d been sufficiently contrite for a while, and you may have heard that I have raised $12million.
Guests chant: MILO! MILO!
MILO: I am dedicated to the destruction of political correctness, I am committed to the end of censorship, I believe that you should be able to do, say and be anything. And I would-
Guest: F*** feminism!
MILO: Well – the wrong sort of feminists. We like some feminists. We like Christina Hoff Sommers. We like Camille Paglia. But, in general, f*** feminism. Now, I want to tell you very briefly about what I’m going to do with that money so we can all get back to getting trashed.
First of all, Simon & Schuster. I’m going to spend the next year making the name Simon & Schuster synonymous with censorship. I’m going to spend the next year giving out as many free F*** Simon & Schuster shirts as I can.
Because I want people to know what they do to conservatives and libertarians. To people who just want to be able to laugh, to have a good time and say whatever they want, not worrying about the scolds and the nannies.
So we’re suing them. I’m suing and nobody knows this yet so if you’re a journalist in the room I suggest you get your WordPress out. I am suing Simon & Schuster for $10million because…because I might…I don’t need twenty, I got a million dollar signing, so I’m good. Because I want to send the message that they can never again do this to a libertarian or a conservative.
To a gay guy who believes the wrong things. Or to somebody black, or somebody disabled or a woman with the wrong opinions. I might have raised $12million but without them, who knows, I could have raised twenty.
So, I’m suing them for $10million and you’re going to hear a lot more about that in the coming weeks. We are also – that’s a lot of fun, right? And who knows what’ll happen with that lawsuit.
But we’re taking it a step further. I am going to take not just all their best authors, but all of the best authors of all the conservative imprints in this country and launch my own imprint called Dangerous Books.
We are going to publish every mischievous, dissident, hell-raising guy you’ve ever heard of and is tired of being told what they can and cannot say. It’s going to be called Dangerous Books and we’re going to be going live in the next seven days.
The reason it’s called Dangerous Books is that the first book it will publish is mine, Dangerous, which will be on sale next week, Dangerous will be on sale next week and everybody who in here got a ticket to the party will get a free copy.
Guests chant Dangerous! Dangerous!
MILO: Now that would be fun enough, but that’s not enough for America’s favourite f*ggot. In addition, I would like to announce the return of my touring career, my new hybrid commercial and college tour, meaning if you’re a student you’ll get to see me for free.
It’s called Troll Academy.
Troll Academy will accept applications, will be accepting applications, from Monday morning. If you are a student group, or a venue or a tour operator, and you would like me to speak in your venue, or you’d like to throw a little leg of the tour for me, or like me to come and speak at your college, Troll Academy applications will be open Monday and I will determine whether you deserve a visit from me.
Now, I have plenty of other things to announce and you’re going to hear all about them in the next couple of weeks, but the two big ones: we’re going to take over the publishing industry, and I’m going to return to the places that love me the most, that I love the most – American college campuses.
And with that in mind, I’ll tell you about one more thing – Free Speech Week. Free Speech Week at UC Berkeley. UC Berkeley has the worst reputation, even worse than De Paul and some of you will have seen that on my…for upholding their First Amendment commitments.
I’m going to stage a week-long free speech event at Berkeley, and if the college authorities don’t actively assist us in planning it and making it safe or our guests, I will extend it to a month.
I’m going to make UC Berkeley into the home of free speech.
Guests chant free speech! Free speech!
MILO: UC Berkeley, Free Speech Week in fall will be this movement’s Woodstock. And that’s all for now. Because that’s all I can be bothered to tell you about.
Guests chant MILO! MILO!
MILO: I just want to thank you for sticking by me, I want to thank you for going up today. I’m back! Now, and now, I’d like to take my rightful place on the throne of free speech as the undisputed queen of America’s free speech movement. Thank you so much.
He embarks upon a throne, draped in Jared.
Guests chant USA! USA!
Watch the livestream here.